I have been downhearted these past few days primarily because of MY ego and secondarily because of others’ ego. I didn’t know how to deal with it–tried to convince myself that it’s okay but I guess you cannot force anything before it’s own sweet time. I even prayed to God to give me a reason, just one reason, to smile–well, I think it’s up to me to find it/them.
Yesterday was first day of class and honestly, the air felt heavy. Not really helpful to my already gloomy countenance. I felt the room was full of negative energy–people were so skeptic about the future, about people trying to do good, about various attempts of various parties to improve our lives. For instance, the celebrity advocates were criticized (judged!) for living inconsistent lives, encouraging the public to help the poor while they keep luxurious lifestyles. Of course, I could not argue in a political science arena that each has his own journey to transformation so I just om-ed my way through the three-hour session.
At the end of the class, a good friend asked me if Mr. M, our foreigner classmate since our first term, has ever smiled at me. I had no idea what triggered that question but I could only answer honestly “yes, once, when I treated our past class (we were only six then) to mini chocolate cupcakes. He has never spoken to me though.”
Tonight, Mr. M was again a classmate in another subject. So when he walked in I took the extra effort to say “hi!” (you see, I am not naturally friendly) and guess what. He smiled back and said “hi!” Nobody knows why Mr. M is aloof–a professor even called him rude–as nobody knows his story, the same way that no one among us knows the story of the celebrity advocates, so who are we to judge?
Now I launch Project Smile, that is, to make Mr.M smile at least once during class, not because I like playing heroine, but because I realized that when I was able to make him smile, I started smiling again. Today, God did not give me a reason to smile, but He let me find my way to it.